Kung sasabay ka man

Kung sasabay ka man
Sabihin mo kung saan patungo
Para huwag na magpaliko-liko
Para huwag na maligaw
Para huwag na masayang ang panahon.

Kung sasabay ka man
Sumayaw ka sa indak ng daluyong ng bawat salitang sinasambit ng mga tula
Upang malaman mong
Ang lihim na pagtingin ay binabalangkas ng bawat salita, saknong, at hinga.

Kung sasabay ka man
Ibulong mo na agad ang iyong nais
Para malaman
Kung may patutunguhan ang pagsabay
Kung may kahihinatnan ang byaheng ito
Kung ang dulo nito ay ang simula ng kwentong sabay nating ididibuho gamit ang sabay na pag-indak ng ating mga puso sa iisang dagundong at ritmo.

Dagundong

Malakas na pala.
Lakasan pa natin.

Dagdagan natin nang dagundong
na gugulat sa natutulog mong diwa.

Yung dagundong na aabot hanggang sa kaloob-looban ng kaibuturan ng puso mong sugatan at naghihilom.

Yung dagundong na malalim at malakas ngunit tanging ikaw lang makadarama; dagundong na tayong dalawa lamang ang nadarama.

Yung dagundong na magpapabagsak sa mga pader na tinanim mo sa iyong paligid.

Yung dagundong na maglilikha ng lindol araw-araw, gabi-gabi para lagi mong maalalang ang dagundong na ito ay likha ng pag-ibig na dulot ng ‘di maipaliwanag na pagkahumaling sa pag-ibig mo.

Yung dagundong na lilikha ng mga bagong bundok na aakyatin kasama ka
patungo sa langit ng pag-ibig nating gagambalain ang langit at lupa sa lahat ng mundo at uniberso.

Yung dagundong na magpapaalon sa karagatan upang lunurin at burahin ang mga lambak na pinaglibingan ng mga kahapong puno ng lumbay, lungkot, at sugat.

Yung dagundong na magpapasigaw sa iyo na ang pag-ibig mo sa akin ay higit pa sa pagmamahal kong buong buhay ang iaalay at ibibigay.

Yung dagundong na hindi matatapos kahit tapos na ang pagsikat ng araw at lahat ng mga dagat ay naubusan na ng alon at ang hangin ay naubusan na ng daluyong.

Yung dagundong na sa bawat segundo ng buhay sa piling ng isa’t isa ay hindi tayo lilisanin.

Yung dagundong na patuloy na magbibigay ng buhay sa ating pag-ibig na nagsimula sa isang hikahos na bulong at magtatapos sa isang pangakong tanging dagundong lamang ng iyong puso ang madirinig sa pagtatapos ng bawat araw at sa pagtatapos ng aking buhay.

As I close my eyes tonight

Just as I am about to close my eyes tonight
I recall the split second moments I stole
To find refuge in the cradle of your gaze
To find happiness in the antics and funny faces you make
To find love in the pain of the realization that you can never be mine.

Just as I am about to close my eyes tonight
I recall the hopeless helplessness where I wallow
Only to find the completeness of unrequited love
Only to find the certainty in our ambiguous duality
Only to find the answers to the mystery of what is between us.

Would you?

Every day I struggle to find ways to forget these feelings for you.
But for the past two years, the feelings just brewed and the scentĀ of my love for you diffused in the air and I inhaled the feelings back into my body and I cringed and shivered and shriveled back into this helpless hopelessness to have you.
Not so much to get a taste of you and how you love as to show you how much I love every single bit of you.
The funny and weird faces you make that just pull me closer to you.
Your wit and sensitivity.
The way my old shirts snug and hug the sexiness of you.
The smell of your hair.

How I long to kiss you every day and this tiny distance between us is not helping.
How I long to stare at your eyes but I dare not for fear that you would see into my soul and finally know that I do not just like you;
that you are the definition of every day, the reason why I get up each morning excited to work.

It is only through these words that I could ever tell you how much I desire to have you in my life. And when I am on the verge of telling you, reality slaps me in the face and I know that I must let you be happy with someone else even if I know that I can do so much more than what she can do for you except probably gift you children.
But, know that I can and will do everything to make you feel like the king of the world but then again even if I could, would you?
Would you ever let me shout out to the world that I am finally yours?
Would you ever hold my hand in the open?
Would you ever kiss me under the gaze of the night sky?

But even these cannot kill the nagging need to love you and have you and be you and be loved by you.
Because if we were to have each other, I would let you love me in secret, in the confines of the room we will share, in the crevices of our body, in the heaven we will share in bed.
Because, you see, you define me now.

Can never have enough of you

Stop looking.
Because every single fucking time that you look at me,
I take rounds of bullets.
And I bleed profusely and I just realize how much this heart beats for you and the desire to be loved by you.

Stop coming close.
Because every single fucking time you are near me,
I get stung by a million bees.
And I itch and swell and I just realize how much I long to run my fingers throughout your body and feel the bareness of your soul.

Stop being you.
Because every single fucking time I am with you,
my heart shatters and puts itself together then shatters and I am caught in the endless cycle of wanting you and cursing you and blaming you and loving you for all that you are.

Stop.
I have had enough of this.
But I can never have enough of you.

Those days

On days when I am alone, sitting on the floor with a glass of cheap sweet red wine in hand,
I imagine you standing somewhere in the room
about to come to me and plant soft kisses on my cheeks
then on my lips
and the taste and smell of beer you were drinking
melts with the chocolate and mint and smoke we shared just moments ago.

On days when I am alone lying in my bed unable to get any wink of sleep,
I hear your quiet snores
I see the calm breaths you make
I feel your velvet skin brushing against mine.

On days when there is nothing left to do,
I recede into the parallel universe
where you and I are creating heaven between our bodies
beating to the rhythmic pulse of each thrust you make declaring the power I gave you to own me and weigh me down with the passion and desire cascading down our sweaty bodies and exhaling out our grunts and moans.

On these days, I curse you for making me want and need you.
I curse you for teasing me into believing that this silent, mutual game we are playing can turn into the greatest untold romance that will be shared and passed down.

On these days, I want to be rid
of every single day
of every fucking night
of every goddamn memory.

I curse you for crossing my path.
I curse you for looking at me.
I curse you for making me need you.
Fuck you.
I love you.